Things I’d Change

Posted on June 21, 2012 by

Most people wake up on December 31 and mull over the year they just experienced. I do that too.

Lately however, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the last 12 months.

We’ve experienced a lot since last June.

We bought and moved into our dream house. I always say that it’s not our dream house because it’s super fancy (it’s not) or has all the latest decor (it doesn’t). It’s our dream house because we think it’s perfect for our family. I still find myself in total awe that God blessed us with our home.

Our youngest son broke his arm…then just months later, his foot. Our oldest daughter broke….sigh….most of her face and head. They survived it. I have to dye over the gray in my hair far more frequently now though, thankyouverymuch.

At church I began volunteering on the leadership team for a ministry geared toward moms. I started helping out in the “crawler” room, taking care of little ones once a month.

One of my favorite writing gigs ended when that publication had to stop publishing because of a lack of money.

A story I wrote ran in papers across the United States, most notably in USA Today.

We all turned a year older. We celebrated holidays. We laughed, learned, cried.  We grew closer. Stuff happened and, in response, we did all the things that families do.

There are things I would change though; small things and big things.

If I had to do it all over, I would do a lot of it differently.

I wouldn’t worry as much.

I wouldn’t plan as much.

To the kids, I would say “yes” more and “no” less.

On June 27, 2011, I would stop everything and have a tea party with my daughter.

I wouldn’t have so much pride.

I’d gossip less.

I’d freak out less (like the time we had a massive summer rainstorm and our dream house started leaking like mad and I ran around crying and yelling at the ceilings to “STOP!”).

That time that I said that thing? I wouldn’t do that again.

I would listen more.

I’d write more letters and less emails.

I’d check Facebook less.

I’d read my Bible more.

I’d be nicer to people.

I’d laugh more.

I’m so glad it’s summertime and my tiny tribe can hang out and enjoy lazy days together. I’ll try to soak it all in because I know that in June, 2013, I’ll be writing this post all over again.

Hopefully next year my list of “things I’d change” will be much shorter.

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A summertime education

Posted on June 16, 2012 by

It’s not officially summer until next week, but since I live in the desert, it’s been summer here for weeks. I’m pretty sure the forecast for my town on June 20, summer’s first day, is 110 degrees.

When I think of summer, I think of children running through a field of waist-high grass. The sun setting behind a barn in the background and lightning bugs just beginning their nightly dance. American flags standing at attention and red, white and blue bunting draped on porches. Sparklers and sunburns. Barbecues and the beach.

None of that is representational of what my childhood looked like.

Except for one all-American summer.

The summer I was 14-years-old I took an epic– and utterly ridiculous– road trip with my father and step mom.

Few times have I made my sister laugh harder than when I’m telling her stories of that fateful vacation.

In order to remotely understand how insane the entire trip was, I have to give a little background on my dad.

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother and I moved 300 miles away. He followed shortly after and rented the  condo across the street (my mom totally loved that).

Every morning he’d stand on the front porch with a bowl of cereal and wave goodbye as my mom left for work. He sort of had that I’m-probably-a-stalker-but-probably-harmless-thing going on.

He was raised Catholic, but converted to Judaism to impress his third wife. His fourth wife wasn’t impressed, so he became “spiritual.” His fifth wife– the step mom that went with us on our trip– was Catholic….you can see where this is going.

He didn’t graduate from high school but could put a truck engine together in mere hours, solve logic problems like no one’s business and was a meticulous restorer of old crap. He was one of the most unintelligent and smartest people I’ve known.

The summer between middle school and high school was one of a lot of change for me; we’d just moved to a new town. A 14-year-old girl starting high school in a new town should have time to unpack, get settled, meet people….so my mom sent me on a road trip with the father I rarely talked to.

Here are just a few of the things that happened:

My father and step mom lived in a trailer, as in, the kind you hook to a truck and pull (you should hear about the summer I lived with him at the KOA campground in Porterville, Calif., also known as “the summer I spent with the carnies.”). He had a cargo van that he spent months retrofitting with a “luxury” chair he got from a junkyard, a screened-window that slid open and a little table with “two different size cup holders!” For most of the trip I slept on the floor of the van and let the dog sleep in the luxury chair because 1. I was convinced that someone had died in it and 2. I was 14 (I quickly figured out that this seating arrangement made him very mad. So I kept it up.).

Just weeks before the trip I’d been introduced to musical theatre-magic when I saw a production of The Who’s Tommy. I listened to the sound track on my Walkman from California to Tennessee. Whenever he said anything I’d yell, “I can’t hear you!” Pointing to my headphones, I’d say, “He’s a pinball wizard dad. Do you know any pinball wizards?”

My father drove three hours off the route we were taking so we could go to the home of Amelia Earhart’s grandparents. She was born in that house. I was named after the woman. He didn’t want to spend the $7 for me to take the tour so we hit the road again….and later that day ended up at the Wizard of Oz Museum. Of course we paid the entrance fee for that.

We had to stop at every air museum we came across because the man was convinced he was an airplane aficionado.

I got in trouble for running the video camera batteries down filming his bald spot for an hour while we drove around Nashville. In the background you could hear him saying things like, “Face the camera out the window, you’re missing the sights” to which I would reply, “Nope, this bald spot is about as good as this trip’s gonna get.” Did I mention I was 14?

The day we spent in a library in Idaho. For no conceivable reason.

There was the time, at a campground in Mississippi, when my step mom blindfolded herself with a handkerchief claiming it would help her tired eyes and then proceeded to try to make dinner… OVER AN OPEN FIRE! This is an absolute, hand-over-my-heart, true story.

Or when the man dragged me to Dollywood and later told all the family we visited that I wanted to go. It cost about $60 for the three of us to get in there and I wasn’t named after Dolly Parton. (However, on a recent episode of The Bachelorette, I was slightly excited when a date was filmed in the theater at Dollywood. “I’ve totally been there,” I said out loud to no one as I was watching it.)

The whole trip came to a screeching halt when we returned to California and, instead of going to see an Elvis impersonator with my dad and step mom, I chose to go back home a couple of days early. My step mom actually said this to my mom: “I just can’t believe she doesn’t want to see Elvis. How ungrateful!”

I do have some special memories of that trip though.

Using a giant field in Tyler, Texas as a runway and flying in a tin can-airplane with a friend of my dad’s.

Sitting alone on a porch in Illinois watching lightning bugs. I’d never seen them before and haven’t seen them since, but the magic of them made me cry. I want my children to see lightning bugs before they’re adults. Better yet, when they’re exactly 14 and think everything sucks and no one understands them.

Walking through the woods in Flagstaff, Ariz. in a torrential downpour.

The morning I sat at the end of a pier on a lake in Mississippi and watched mist rise up off the water and birds diving for fish. Surrounding the lake were willow trees, their branches dancing a weeping waltz. That scene is forever-etched in my mind.

Or Fourth of July in McMinnville, Tenn. when my half-brothers poured a gallon of gasoline on a bucket of fireworks and lit it (In my mind I heard a banjo and the sound of rushing river water). “Oh, this is about to get good,” I remember thinking. My dad was pacing around, totally freaking out. The whole thing exploded and a lone firework shot across the street and hit my dad’s van. My comment of, “Too bad the door wasn’t open and the thing didn’t light up the chair,” was met with a volley of curse words.

I shook Al Gore’s hand in Chicago. I’m not an Al Gore fan, but it was still cool. My Repulican-father could be heard on the video saying, “Rush Limbaugh would hate this!” Oy.

That summer wasn’t all bad. If he did anything right, my dad gave me freedom– or he needed a break from the teenage daughter he rarely saw. He let me explore and wander and soak up the places we were visiting. It’s also possible he was hoping someone would abduct me.

One day, before our children know everything and think we’re totally un-cool, I hope my husband and I are able to take them on a family road trip.

I can envision my oldest son on that pier in Mississippi; my oldest daughter laughing as wind whips through her hair in a rickety, old airplane. My littlest boy lighting way too many fireworks on a rural road and the baby of the family fighting her fear of bugs in order to hold a little bit of light in her hands.

My biggest regret when thinking back on that summer? Tossing the videos in a hurried move. Those would have provided endless hours of entertainment.

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The Assignment: Kylie Bisutti, a model who shed her wings to soar for Christ

Posted on February 28, 2012 by
Mike and Kylie (courtesy photo)

Kylie Bisutti is a 21-year-old beauty who has been modeling since she was a young teen.

At just 19 she was named the winner of the first ever Victoria’s Secret Model Search and, donning a pair of wings– the brand’s trademark– she walked the runway in the 2009 Victoria’s Secret annual televised fashion show.

After that, her career took off.

She modeled for magazines like Maxim and FHM, usually scantily clad.

Famous photographers snapped pictures of her frolicking in waves in tiny bathing suits.

She had everything she could possibly want right at her fingertips, but by 2010, she’d had enough.

She decided to walk away from the type of modeling that brought her fame and recognition.

Kylie’s relationship with Christ and her relationship with her husband, Mike, were far more important; her body was for Mike’s eyes and no one else’s, she said. 

She shared her decision with her family and closest friends and quietly moved on to modeling more modestly.

Then about a month ago, Kylie came across Live31, a movement that aims to spread the message of Proverbs 31 to men and women. Live31 began with a Facebook status by Alex Eklund, one of the movement’s founders– “I’d rather have a Proverbs 31 woman than a Victoria’s Secret model.”

Kylie sent Live31 a tweet saying, essentially, “I was a Victoria’s Secret model who quit to be a Proverbs 31 wife.”

She said she felt compelled to share her decision because it fit in so well with the Live31 message.  

Fox News got wind of it and just like that, Kylie was everywhere.

Once again she was making the news. Her face has been splashed across computer and television screens around the world. Recently she’s appeared on Good Morning America, Glenn Beck, CBS This Morning and many others.

This time, she’s using the massive platform to share her faith in Christ.

On a recent afternoon, as Kylie drove through the mountains of Colorado, she and I spoke about her decision to quit modeling lingerie and the positive impact it’s making on her marriage.

She was sincere and humble;  the following are the questions I asked and her candid answers.

Can you give a timeline of your career with VS?

I won the Victoria’s Secret model competition in 2009 and my career catapulted after that. I actually stopped modeling for the company in 2010. That’s when I decided to stop modeling lingerie all together.

When was the exact moment you decided you didn’t want to model lingerie anymore?

There were a lot of things that ended up leading me to the decision, more than one specific moment. I started going to church more and reading the Bible more. Basically it was Christ working in my life and I know everything is in His timing. He has a plan for everything. He used my modeling to bring me to where I’m at now. He showed me I wasn’t honoring my husband or my marriage. My marriage is my most important earthly relationship. When I modeled lingerie, I felt I wasn’t being a Christ-like example.

What is the message behind your decision?

Basically, I think that giving God the glory in everything is the biggest thing for me. He’s really the reason why I’m able to change. I’m just praying that He uses this to help young girls and just show them that they don’t have to dress the way I used to. They don’t have to be half-naked to be beautiful. I’m so much happier finding my worth in Him instead of the attention I was getting before. That’s what true happiness is, salvation through Christ.

How did Victoria’s Secret respond? Have you gotten feedback from the other models?

I got zero negativity from Victoria’s Secret. They’re a really professional brand. I had fulfilled all my contractual commitments with them. I’ve gotten mostly positive feedback from other models. I’ve also received some negative feedback from models, mostly models who think I look down on them for modeling lingerie. I’m not judging them. This is a personal decision for me.

Were you prepared for the media interest in your decision to cease lingerie modeling? What about the images of you modeling lingerie that flooded the Internet and television?

I was not prepared, but I did know it would probably happen. The photos are all out there and online for everyone to see. I can’t control what the media is going to use. It’s a part of my past. It’s a positive thing because people can see where I came from and see where Christ has made changes in my life.

How did your parents feel about your modeling career, particularly with Victoria’s Secret?

They were really supportive. They knew my biggest childhood dream was modeling. My mom is a believer, my dad isn’t. She’s really, really thankful that I’m not modeling lingerie anymore. My dad is happy too.

What was your church-life like growing up?

I wasn’t brought up in any religion and I never went to church. The first time I went to church was with a friend from school when I was 15. I went because the church parties and trips were a lot of fun. When I was 16, Christ truly opened my eyes. I was really depressed when I was younger and after I accepted Christ, I was totally changed. My mom could see it. My brother could see it.

What are your career plans now? Where will you draw the line in terms of what you model?

I’m definitely going to continue modeling, I’m just going to be more discerning with the modeling I do. I would love to speak at conferences for teen girls and at different churches. I’m working on a book about my modeling experiences and finding fulfillment in Christ. My main thing is that I don’t want to be modeling sex. I’ll check to see what message the client wants to get across and if it’s about selling sex, I won’t be taking the job.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

I definitely plan on starting my own modest clothing line. A Christian clothing line that’s fashionable at the same time. We’ll maybe have a child by then. I’d like to expand my website and do more speaking engagements at churches. Maybe a second book will be out by then.

You are extremely mature for your age, you also married relatively young. Where does that maturity and confidence come from?

It comes 100 percent from Christ. He’s definitely the reason for all the good things in my life. He’s always molding me and shaping me. I moved to New York when I was 16. I homeschooled online, I was out in the world, going on castings, paying my own bills. I had to grow up faster than most kids my age.

Tell me about your husband.

My husband’s name is Mike. My No. 1 role model in life is Christ, but after Him is my husband. He is the absolute biggest reason I’ve grown in my relationship with God. Mike really does love me like Christ loves the church. He’s in sales, he also does motivational speaking. He’s helped me and shown me so much grace throughout this whole situation. He’s loves God a lot.

I’ve read that your mother-in-law told you about the Victoria’s Secret auditions. How does she feel about your decision to retire from lingerie modeling?

She’s really excited. She’s very thankful. She wrote me an email about how awesome it is and how it must be God doing all the work and how she’s definitely going to church now.

How will your decision to model more modestly impact your children, especially daughter(s)?

I think it’s definitely going to impact them in a huge way. I was talking with my pastor’s wife a while ago about how happy I am that the Lord’s working in my life now so that I can be the right example when I do have children, so that I can show them what true beauty is.

Do you have a favorite Bible verse? If so, what is it? How has scripture helped you through this process?

One of my favorites is Luke 23:34 [But Jesus was saying, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves.] I just love that verse because it shows Christ’s forgiveness and it’s crazy to me that He’s so forgiving and loving. He would even forgive people who were driving nails through His hands and feet. His love for us is beyond words. Reading my Bible has helped bring a lot of peace.

“The Assignment: A closer look at the guys behind the Live31 movement” can be found HERE.

For more information about Kylie, please visit her website at www.KylieBisutti.com.

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The Assignment: A closer look at the guys behind the Live31 movement

Posted on February 23, 2012 by

Alex Eklund had no idea that a simple Facebook status– “I’d rather have a Proverbs 31 woman than a Victoria’s Secret model”– would go viral. He says the update was “no different from the thousands of other updates” he’d posted on his Facebook page.

Now, three months later, Alex and four other Baylor University students– Michael Bartlemay, Michael Blair, Jake Cockerill and Matthew Reid– are running Live31, a movement that’s taken on larger-than-life proportions (already their Facebook page has nearly 14,000 followers). 

The movement challenges men to seek out women who exemplify the traits found in Proverbs 31. Women are encouraged to let go of the world’s message that physical beauty is everything and strive to find beauty in God instead. 

Live31 caught my attention because Rebel In Fine Linen was born from the message behind Proverbs 31. The Live31 movement is also growing rapidly and I’m always interested in the people God uses for ministry.

What I learned after speaking with these guys is that they’re on fire for Christ, they’re mature beyond their years and their families did an incredible job raising them.

Also, interviewing them made me feel old.

Because I told Matthew to make sure and tell his mom that she is a Proverbs 31 woman in his life. Because I told Alex and Jake that I’m a mother of boys and it’s my prayer that one day my guys would turn out as Christ-centered as the Live31 guys are.

Mostly, I felt old when I told them I was only 14 years older than them.  They’re 18. Basically, I’m twice their age.

I digress.

The guys took time out of their very busy college-student schedules to speak with me (and in Michael Blair’s case, email me back).

I’m so appreciative.

Below are my questions, their answers and insight into a movement sweeping the United States.

Background:

Alex Eklund; 18. Alex is a freshman; he is majoring in Political Science and Philosophy.

Jake Cockerill; 18. Jake’s a freshman; he’s majoring in Entrepreneurship.

Matthew Reid; 20. Matthew is a sophomore; he’s majoring in Environmental Health Science.

Michael Bartlemay; 18. Michael is a freshman; he’s majoring in Entrepreneurship and Marketing with minors in Political Science and German.

Michael Blair; 19. Michael is the Freshman Class Senator at Baylor; he’s majoring in Public Relations and Political Science.

Q and A:

Since I know people are wondering, are you dating or single?

All: Single

Were you raised in the church?

Alex: Yes. I’ve attended the same church since third grade. We’ve always been very active and I’ve been in youth leadership.

Jake: I grew up in a Christian home but didn’t have a regular church. That’s why my main criteria when I was looking at colleges was finding one that would allow me to grow in my faith.

Matthew: I grew up singing in a Gospel choir and ministering through music. My grandfather, uncle and cousin were and are pastors; church became a part of me.

Michael Bartlemay: Yes. I have a lot of experience with mission trips also.

Michael Blair: Yes, I was.

What is your role with Live31?

Alex: On paper I’m the CEO.

Jake: I’m in charge of marketing.

Matthew: Social media.

Michael Bartlemay: Keeping track of finances, what’s going in and coming out.

Michael Blair: I am Live31′s public relations coordinator.

What does Live31 mean to you?

Alex: The idea behind Live31 is really just an extension of myself. It’s my life pertaining to relationships, it’s my frame of mind and has to do with my own self-image.

Jake: The message is what I live my whole life for. I want to look inward and find a woman who loves Christ more than she loves me. I see people in society not living that way and they’re missing out.

Matthew: Live31 encourages women not to give in to societal things like whether they’re just dressing a certain way to please some cute guy, and encourages men to focus on the virtuous side of women.

Michael Bartlemay: This ministry is my passion because it targets insecurity, which I’ve dealt with personally. It just really bothers me and I want to help fight it. I want to make sure people are pursuing Godly relationships.

Michael Blair: It’s unrecognized service towards the promotion of God’s Kingdom.

What is your hope for Live31?

Alex: We’ve talked about expanding into live media. We’re connecting with up-and-coming performing artists for cross-promotion. We’d like to get our name out there and participate in events and functions. Eventually, maybe we’ll do our own events or conferences.

Jake: I’d like to continue to see people impacted. I want to see people turn to God and stop looking at people just on face value.

Matthew: We’re really hoping to get nonprofit status so that we can take money from donations and T-shirt sales and donate it to other ministries. If we’re able to change one person’s life, we’ve done well.

Michael Bartlemay: We’d like to grow and get nonprofit status. I think our goal is to eventually host events and attend conferences. We’re definitely moving in the direction of building our brand. 

Was there a Proverbs 31 woman in your life who, through their influence, prompted you to create Live31?

Alex: My mom. My mom does so many things for our family. She works and keeps track of the budget. She is such a Godly woman. I also have a good female friend who is always striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman and the two of us have discussed that a lot. 

Jake: My mom, both my parents really. Seeing the relationship that those two had together and how they lived with Christ at the center of their marriage had a huge impact. If I want a relationship to last, I want to do it like my parents have. To see what they’ve gone through and where they are now- they shaped me for my future wife.

Matthew: I don’t want to sound cliché, but my mother was a really big role model in my life. She was a single mom, which was difficult, but she was still able to do so much of what Proverbs 31 describes. She’s a modern-day Proverbs 31 woman in action.

Michael Bartlemay: Both of my parents impacted me. They instilled in a me a respect for women. They taught me to act like a Southern gentleman.

Michael Blair: Yes, my mom and both of my grandmas. All of my grandparents have been married for more than 50 years and my parents have been married for more than 25. They have all shown me what the true meaning of sacrifice and love are.

What type of woman would you eventually like to marry?

Alex: When it comes down to it, I’m just trying to find a person who I can grow in my faith with, someone who is grounded in the Gospel and a person who is willing to take a family in the same direction I’d like them to go.

Jake: I want to marry a woman who I can trust to raise our children. I want a solid foundation for my children’s future, like I had growing up. I want a wife who loves Christ.

Matthew: I’m praying for a wife who really takes scripture and applies it, a woman who doesn’t just believe what her religion says. I want her Christianity and her faith to be her own, not what people told her to believe.

Michael Bartlemay: I want a wife who is trying to become all that she can be in Him.

Michael Blair: Michael answers this question beautifully in a letter to his future wife. You can find that here.

What are some things that have changed for you since Live31 was created?  

Alex: We spend a lot of time working on the movement. On a more fundamental level, we’re under a microscope so we have to be extremely intentional about our relationships. We have to be positive with our self-image.

Jake: We hear people say the movement is amazing and I agree that we are under a microscope now. I really have to make sure that any feelings I may have for someone are for the right reasons.

Matthew: I work on Live31 pretty regularly. People on campus have been talking about it a lot too.

Michael Bartlemay: It’s keeping us all busy. My parents love the movement too; I call them and ask what we should do and how to pay for things. They’re really supportive. We didn’t envision anything like this was going to happen.

Michael Blair: The biggest change in my week to week schedule has been coming up with a creative blog post once a week that blesses others. But its also been great to see just how many people are dedicated to their future spouses and want to honor them even though they may not have met them yet. 

***

You can learn more about the Live31 movement at www.Live31.org. You can support the ministry by purchasing a T-Shirt. Money raised will also go to organizations like No More Tears, To Write Love on Her Arms, International Justice Mission and Rewriting Beautiful– all groups that minister to women who struggle with self-image.

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The Assignment: Baptism Sunday at Destiny Church

Posted on January 29, 2012 by
 

It took some careful maneuvering to get to the front of the sanctuary.

Spotlights lit the band in an array of colors, but the rest of the room was dim.

I concentrated on getting through the sea of bodies without falling or knocking someone over.

When I reached the front and turned toward the huge group, it was obvious that the members of Destiny Church in Indio, Calif. were happy to be there.

The rows were filled with people singing, swaying and raising their hands in worship.

A current of anticipating ran through the crowd.

There were people in every row wearing bright red shirts that said “I did it!”

Appropriate, since today was “I did it!” Sunday, a day organized by church staff for those who wanted to be baptized.

I could still hear Pastor Obed Martinez’s emotionally-charged message as I made my way to the adjoining building where the baptisms would take place.

“Baptism is an outward expression of an inward impression,” he preached in a booming voice. “It’s about making a public confession and leaving the old life behind.”

“Amen!” interjected church-goers.

Following a successful baptism event in October —518 people participated— Pastor Martinez and the staff at Destiny Church were anxious to organize another one.

“There’s no doubt about it,” Martinez said. “These are the largest baptisms in the valley’s history.”

Heading into Baptism Sunday, 167 people had signed up to participate, said Jorge Orantes, executive assistant to Pastor Martinez.

However, they weren’t the only ones baptized today.

A lot of the friends and family members who came to support a loved one during their baptism decided to be baptized too, said Martinez.

Including the estimated 75 people baptized at tonight’s service, approximately 370 people were baptized today, an exhausted Orantes told me over the phone.

The same thing happened during the event in October; the members of the support system see the transformation and want that for themselves, said Martinez.

“When people get up and spontaneously participate in a baptism, it’s a moving moment man,” said Martinez. “It’s so touching.”

Pastor Martinez told me that what he witnessed at the event in October moved him immensely. There were people from all walks of life deciding in the moment to be baptized, he said.

“We had parolees with ankle bracelets getting baptized. They wrapped the device or left their leg out of the water,” he said. “It was amazing.”

I observed the people making their way into the baptism room. Pastor Martinez was spot-on; the people participating were all very different. They were young, old, married, single, parents, grandparents and those with no children. Some were baptized alone, some alongside family. Their common thread was their love for Christ.

Chris, second from left, and Elizabeth, preparing to be baptized

I watched as a couple was baptized together and thought back to my own baptism a decade ago, which happened to be with my husband.  Baptism is an important step for every Christian, but marking that milestone with John by my side made it that much more meaningful.

I talked to the couple- Chris, 29, and Elizabeth, 25. They’re dating. She’s been attending Destiny for two years, he’s been there just two weeks.

“It was time to get the Lord in our relationship,” Elizabeth told me. “It’s our new beginning.”

Chris and Elizabeth, just baptized

Chris smiled at her and added, “The steps we’re taking together have already made a huge difference. What I’m seeing and experiencing, it’s hard to even describe.”

Some might ask why Christ-followers should be baptized, or whether it’s even important.

Pastor Martinez answered that question with a question of his own.

In the middle of a passionately-delivered sermon, Martinez let the room fall to a quiet hush before asking, “If baptism wasn’t important, why did Jesus do it?

Amen.

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The journey is long, but the lane is beautiful: Autism Spectrum Disorder

Posted on January 24, 2012 by

I like to joke about the first time I met Lane. The story becomes more verbose each time.

I like to say that Lane’s mom came running out of the bathroom with her pants barely buttoned, waving a pregnancy test around. I also like to say I had to duck to avoid being sprayed with stuff flying off of it.

Kristen did come running from the bathroom and I did back away in fear that the test had residual “specimen” on it, but her pants were on and my best friend’s pee did not end up anywhere on me.

Also, I was the first to know. Her husband came in from the garage and I was all, “Hey Travis, your wife’s knocked up again…by you!” I quickly added, in case he was concerned. He thought I was just coming over to hang out.

I was honored to be there for that moment.

It was Oct. 5, 2005. My oldest daughter was 364-days old and took her first steps in Kristen’s living room that night.

And that night I met Lane; a purple line under the window of a pregnancy test.

None of us knew then that the journey of Lane’s life would be painfully arduous at times.

Or so utterly beautiful.

Lane is autistic.

His diagnosis didn’t come easily; the road was fraught with sadness, denial (Kristen’s the first to admit that) and, eventually, a certain sense of relief.

It was also a journey that I was afraid to take; I recognized Lane’s ”red flags” when he was about 15-months old.  

Telling Kristen that I suspected Lane was autistic was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.

Lane did a lot of things that concerned me, but one of the most obvious happened when he was about 24-months old and I was babysitting him. By then he had a baby sister so including my children, there were six kids at my house. The older ones were running around. It was loud and they were having a lot of fun.

Lane sat in the living room alone, rocking back and forth, playing with a string on his shirt. He did that for over an hour. There was total chaos all around him and he was completely unaware. I called him over to me. He walked about half way and stopped. There was a quarter-size spot on the carpet and he didn’t want to walk over it. He was so upset by the spot that it took me several minutes to calm him down.

Adding that to other things Lane did regularly, I was afraid he needed to be assessed.

How do you tell your best friend that you think their child is autistic?

On one hand I feared our relationship would be destroyed. What if I was wrong? What if she was offended?

On the other hand was Lane. If he was diagnosed, he would begin therapy and I knew the longer I waited to share my concerns, the greater the likelihood that some of his red flags would never go away.

The process was slow. I took baby steps until eventually, I ran at Kristen full-force.

For a couple of months I’d take her lead.

“Lane won’t stop playing with feet,” she’d say. “My feet especially, but other people’s too. Is that weird? It’s like he’s obsessed with toes. When I pull him away he screams and screams.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know if that’s totally normal,” I’d say tentatively.

After a few weeks I took the silent approach, hoping it would speak volumes.

“I wonder if Lane has something wrong with him,” Kristen would say. “He doesn’t respond to his name, ever.” 

Silence.

My husband would ask me regularly whether I’d told Kristen my concerns. I’d tell him I was trying, but couldn’t.

Then Kristen took Lane to his pediatrician, who asked her a few diagnostic questions.

In denial, Kristen played down his symptoms. Now she regrets it. At the time she was just trying to make it go away.

Or she’d say something like, ”I just have a gut feeling that he’s going to be fine.”

To be honest, it was maddening.  

When she arranged to have Lane assessed, I was relieved.

When the report came back that he was fine, I’d had enough.

“Kristen I love you and I love Lane, but I really think that report is wrong,” I told her. “The organization didn’t send people with enough experience. They didn’t even spend that much time with him. The report says, ‘mild red flags.’ What does that even mean?”

Lane was reassessed by a well-trained team of experts and was definitively diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He began therapies right away.  

He’s high-functioning.

He has a great sense of humor.

He loves to go to the RC track with his dad.

He’d live on peanut butter sandwiches if his mom let him.

He has good mornings, like this morning.

He can have horrible ones too, like yesterday.

“It’s days like yesterday that drag me down,” Kristen told me on the phone earlier today.

He gets mad. He shuts down. He says whatever’s on his mind. Right now he’s especially fond of telling strangers what he thinks about their weight.

I want to take him to see all the mean girls from my high school years so he can express his opinions to them, but I don’t think Kristen would go for it.  

He has friends. He also thinks a lot of people are “boring” and he’ll tell them that.

He’s just, Lane.

Kristen’s faced with issues I’ll never have to face; Do we medicate or not? Do we mainstream or not? Do we request an aide or not? What’s the safest way to hold him when he’s angry? Do we explain his behavior in public by telling people he’s autistic?

Travis and Kristen have taken it in stride. They fought the diagnosis, now they fight the stigma. They’re advocates. They’re parents.

The CDC estimates that 1 in 110 children in the United States has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Those statistics are staggering.

Know the signs and symptoms. If you recognize them in your child, do something. If you recognize them in your best friend’s child, please don’t wait to compassionately and gently say something.

Lane and Kristen

Posted in Autism Spectrum Disorder, Friendship, Kids, Lessons | 3 Comments

So, does just one week make one weak?

Posted on January 13, 2012 by

Update: I’m hungry.

My husband and I just discussed what we’ve learned while participating for the last six days in the Daniel Fast.

John and I both agree that we have an entirely different view of food now. Until this week neither one of us realized how often we used to eat or in what large quantities.

With all the caffeine out of my system, it’s like a fog that I didn’t even know was there has been lifted. I’m sleeping better at night. For the last week I haven’t eaten anything with processed sugar or preservatives in it. I haven’t eaten anything I can’t pronounce or spell. I haven’t eaten things high in fat or calories.

I’m not going to lie though, I am hungry, even though there are a lot of foods I am able to eat. I’m hungry for bread, chicken and cereal, to name a few. I’m hungry for nonfood things too, like the ease of making everyone the same dinner or not having to shop at multiple grocery stores.

Surprisingly, I don’t start hyperventilating at the thought of Coke and vanilla chai tea. I definitely don’t think I’ll ever go back to drinking the amount of Coke that I used to.

Unfortunately though, I’ve taken this fast on as a “project.” Something that lacks the simplicity and calm for which it was intended. The point is to slow down, pray more, focus on food less. Instead, I’ve been anxious and nervous. I’m constantly thinking about what I can and can’t eat- the “rules,” if you will.

So here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned over the last week: I probably won’t make it for two more. It’s not because I can’t, but because I may have lost sight of the point. I also may be heading toward, once again, focusing on the food instead of on the Creator; this time the food is healthy, but I’m constantly worrying about what to eat.

But wait! I’m not writing this because I’m on my way to Panera Bread. I promise (however, yesterday my 3-year-old daughter sat on my lap in Panera eating a cinnamon crunch bagel; I’m not gonna lie, I thought I might eat her hand). I am writing this because, instead of staying on an ironclad schedule for the Daniel Fast, I need to be able to stop worrying about reaching day 21 and what people will say if I don’t and whether my faith will seem weak if I stop early.

I think I need to just stop with all the “quick ways to get to the heart of God” stuff and open my Bible more often. I need to seek after God daily. It’s pretty simple. It also doesn’t involve unsweetened almond milk- Praise Jesus!

I also think that by letting go of the stress of having to reach day 21, it’s possible I might make it another two weeks.

There. I made a commitment to blog about my hang-ups. Group therapy achieved! Check that off my list.

Now I can go stress out about whether I’m rationalizing just so I can eat carbs….I wish there was a Type-A Fast. That’s what I need.

Posted in Lessons | 1 Comment